Spencer's secret
by rosegirl1234
Summary: Spencer Hastings has trouble living in her perfect family. She has a lot more secrets than her four best friends, Aria, Hanna, and Emily know about. What will Spencer result too when she feels alone?
1. Chapter 1

Spencer!" I groaned. I was yet again awoken by the shouts of Melissa.  
"Spencer!?" She was becoming more impatient, so I reluctantly threw off the covers, walked out of my bedroom and down the hall to where I could hear Melissa yelling from.  
"Did you take my pink sweater?" she asked, rummaging through her wardrobe.  
"Uh, yeah I think I did, sometime last week?" I replied.  
"Well, where is it? You know not to take my things without asking."  
"I put it in the laundry last night."  
"Whatever." She pushed past me, nudging my shoulder on the way. I looked back in her, ready to say something, but thought better of it. I went back to my bedroom and got myself dressed and ready for school.

When I arrived at Rosewood High, I saw Aria, Hanna, and Emily all crowded round Hanna's locker.  
"Hey guys!"  
"Hey Spence", Emily replied. "Have you studied for the chemistry test?"  
"Yeah, I did a little last night but I'll do some more at break. Wanna come to the library with me to study then?" They all nodded their heads eagerly.  
"How was everyones night?" I asked.  
"Fine, me and Ezra caught a movie!", Aria said. "But we didn't really watch it..."  
We all rolled our eyes.  
"I had swim practice, so my night was just usual!" Emily said.  
"Well, me and mum were supposed to hit the shops, but she bailed on me so I just did the usual - read magazines!" Hanna exclaimed. "How about you Spence?"  
All the thoughts of last nights trauma went through my mind - over eating, having fights with Melissa, my parents scowling me for my grades.  
"Fine." I said, and added a smile so they wouldn't question me. The bell cut off any more discussion, and we all waved goodbye and headed for class. I had French first, so I tried to focus, but I had already done all of the things we were focusing on the night before.

By the time dinner came around, I was feeling extremely tired and exhausted. It had been a long day and I was tired after hockey practice. I was thinking about the techniques I could use when my mother's voice shook me out of my thoughts.  
"Spencer, how was your math test?"  
"Fine, I got a 89." I awaited my mothers reply.  
"Spencer, you need to work harder. I really expected you to get at least a 90."  
"I know mum, I'm going to resit it, I've already organised it with my teacher."  
"Good. We can't have you getting 89's and it being on your college application."  
I sighed. "I know mum."  
She returned to her dinner, whilst I looked at my half-eaten one.  
"I'm gonna go study right now, may I be excused?"  
"Go ahead."  
I put my dinner in the bin and ran upstairs. I closed my door quietly, stripped down to my undergarments and looked in the mirror. I looked up and down my body in disbelief, my thighs, my stomach, everything was too big. I put on my pyjamas and pulled out my maths book. I went over the numbers trying to block out the image of my disgusting body. All my friends were lucky, but I'll be like them soon.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up the next morning with my stomach growling. I immediately went downstairs for breakfast. I was pulling the cereal out of the cupboard when I stopped myself; _is it necessary? _I slowly pushed the carton back into the pantry. Even though I was hungry, that was one step closer. I smiled to myself. I continued getting ready for school and was about to head out the door when mum stopped me.  
"Spencer, here's your lunch. You almost forgot it."  
"Oh, thanks mum."  
I took the lunch and put it in my bag.  
"Bye mum."  
She just smiled in return, but it looked fake. I sighed, walked out the door and headed to school.

I greeted Aria with a smile, she was waiting at my locker.  
"Hey Spence!"  
"Hey Aria, where's Em and Han?"  
"They're in the library."  
I was puzzled, why would they be in the library? Aria realized my confusion and laughed.  
"Emily's getting a book on swimming, and Hanna decided to tag along. I waited here for you!"  
"Oh, thanks Aria." I said with a quick smile. I started thinking about meeting Toby after school, how I should text him and meet him for coffee. I didn't even realize the bell had gone until Aria snapped at me.  
"Spence! C'mon, we're gonna be late for English."  
I smiled apologetically. "Sorry, can't miss a sight of Mr Fitz can we?"  
"Oh, shut up you." But she grinned all the same, and we walked off to class.

Emily and Hanna were late into class, I gave them a quizzical look. Emily rolled her eyes and nodded towards Hanna, who was smiling foolishly and looked as if she was in a daydream. I clicked; Caleb. I shook my head and went back to work. I couldn't concentrate, I thought it could have been missing breakfast, but then I shook that thought off. It couldn't have been, that will only be good for me. I mean, I want to be perfect, that's only gonna help.

By the time lunch rolled around, I was feeling tired and had a minor headache. The girls were talking to each other non-stop, so I was thankful to have a place to sit down, and try to zone them out. I took a look at my lunch; a banana, celery sticks, and a cheese sandwich. I pulled out my celery sticks; surely I didn't _need_ my banana and sandwich? I'll be fine.  
I wasn't really listening to the conversations of my friends, and Hanna was trying to talk to me.  
"Spence!"  
"Huh? Sorry, what?"  
"Where's your food?"  
"I ate it already."  
Emily piped in. "Already? Its been like 5 minutes."  
"Maybe I'm just a quick eater?"  
They shrugged and continued with their conversations, as I let out a sigh of relief. I tried to join in on what they were talking about but I gave up, I just laughed when necessary and gave my opinion on Hanna's nail polish. Simple, enough for them to forget all about my "quick" eating.

Coffee with Toby couldn't have come sooner. Seeing him makes my heart to a leap of joy. He is so perfect, which is why I can't understand why he's with _me. _I mean, why would we want to be with someone so fat, so ugly, when he could have someone beautiful, and thin. I don't get it.  
We talked about school, boring classes. But what I didn't tell him was about me, feeling worthless and how I at next to nothing. Not like its important. Plus, I want it to be a surprise when he sees how much prettier I'm becoming. He deserves someone pretty, and maybe I'll be able to give that to him.

Dinner was yet again a bitter experience. Mum, Dad, and Mellisa all gave me a hard time for my 89.  
"I'm sitting it on Thursday." I said, starting to become annoyed. "I will try really really hard."  
"Good girl Spencer." Mum said, but she almost sounded like she didn't care. Just as long as our grades are perfect, she doesn't care.  
"Can I study now?" I said, when I felt like I just needed to leave their presence. I stood up without their permission, threw out my dinner and walked upstairs. I realized how much food I had eaten, and was mortified. I walked into the bathroom, turned on the tap, shoved my fingers down my throat and purged for the first time. It felt weird, but **I** felt good. I flushed the chain, washed my face and brushed my teeth. Then I walked into my room. I kept going over and over how disappointed everyone is in me. I needed a release, and my mind wandered to dangerous things. But I had made a decision. I walked to my pencil case, and took out my sharpener. I forced out the blades, and took a deep breath. I felt a tear run down my cheek, as I sliced my skin on my wrist. I knew it was wrong, but I felt clear. I stopped, cleaned up the blood and let it dry. I crawled into bed, and cried for what felt like eternity.


	3. Chapter 3

**Please review! Give me advice and what to write about :)  
I do not own pretty little liars.**

****The next few days were a blur; I cut down my eating, now only having something small with the girls and dinner with the family, I was fighting with Melissa, I was constantly disappointing my parents, and I hadn't stopped the cutting. I didn't really have motivation to stop. And it almost felt... Good.

I woke up on Thursday morning with a dull headache. I looked down at my wrist. Dried blood was all over it, I hadn't washed it up properly last night! I ran to the bathroom, slammed the door and locked myself in. I looked in the mirror, disgusted with my view. I slowly started to peel off my clothes, and then realized school was probably starting soon, and being the 'perfect ' Spencer Hastings, I couldn't miss the morning. I stepped on the scales. 8 pounds in the last week. _Not bad, _I thought, _but I __**need**__ to be thinner. _I sighed, and walked over to the shower. I turned the tap to a scorching hot temperature, and let the water soak my body. I grabbed the flannel, wet it, and gently started to scrub my wrist. I winced, but the scars weren't opening again, and the blood was washed off. I rinsed my body, washed my hair and got out of the shower. Now came the difficult task... What to wear for school! I couldn't wear a t-shirt, that was a no-no. I decided on a long sleeve collar shirt, my jeans and my converse. I grabbed my jumper and headed to school without saying goodbye to my parents.

Classes were classes, I went through them without trouble and helped out the confused people around me. I wanted to stay there forever, I was dreading lunch. I didn't want to eat, and if I didn't the girls would question me, and I really don't want to lie to them. Just as I was thinking this, the bell rang. I groaned, and some of the people gave me weird looks. I just went and packed my books away and went to meet the girls. We went and sat at our usual table, me and Aria on one side, Hanna and Emily on the other. I pulled out my celery sticks and started eating away. I felt disgusting, but I couldn't let them get suspicious. Hanna was chatting away to Emily about something in their Chemistry class, and little did I know my sleeve had hitched up a little, allowing Aria full sight of my self-mutilated wrist.  
"Spencer...", Aria sounded worried. "Whats that on your wrist?" _Shit.  
_"What? Oh, nothing. Just my cat."  
"Spencer, you don't have a cat."  
My plan was falling apart.  
"Excuse me." I got out of my seat as fast as possible. I ran to the nearest bathroom and went into one of the stalls. I shoved my fingers down my throat and hurled through my tears. I didn't realize Aria had followed me, she slowly walked into my cubicle and put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her. She had tears in her eyes, but she looked as if she was trying to stay strong.  
"Spencer, please." It was barely a whisper, but I saw a tear make a trickle down her face, and that was enough to set me off. I sobbed into her shoulder, and she held me tight. When I finally pulled away, I avoided eye contact, I felt too embarrassed.  
"Spencer, if you don't mind... Can you please show me your wrists?"  
I hesitated, but slowly pulled up my sleeves. There were large amounts of tiny scars all up my arms, to about my inner elbow. Her face was worried, concerned, but most of all, sad. I quickly told her that it wasn't her fault.  
"Aria, this is not because of you ok? You are not to blame. I love you and I would never blame you ok? You are amazing, please never think this is because of you. It's me. It's me it's me..." I trailed off. She pulled me into another hug.  
"C'mon, lets go see the girls yeah?" She faked a smile, but she was trying. I smiled back, and before touching up a bit of my make-up, we went back to Hanna and Emily.


End file.
